


I'm a fool (I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)

by insxne



Series: Brother, you are cruel. Brother, you are in pain. [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Character Death, Childhood Memories, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jotunn | Frost Giant, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-05-31 17:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15124715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insxne/pseuds/insxne
Summary: He used to know a lot of things, and now he has been stripped of everything : his powers, his strength, his knowledge, his home, his family. Family that was never his to begin in the first place.« Loki, I beg you, please. » Frigga pleads. « Please, talk to me. »





	I'm a fool (I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)

**Author's Note:**

> quick note for you guys : I wrote it while listenning to the soundtrack of orphan black, when Kendall dies, so you can liten to it while reading...

**I’m a fool (I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry)**  
  
________________________________________

  _I had someone once who made every day mean something._  
_And now…. I am lost…._  
_And nothing means anything anymore._

 

* * *

 

Sometimes, when Loki’s mind isn’t too busy tearing itself apart, when the pain and anger aren’t eating his soul away, the memories come flowing back. He grips them as if they were solid, digs his nails into them and tries to hold them back.

But, in the end, they always fall away from his fingers. Everything with Loki does.

Even him.

****

Being Thor’s brother was never easy. It meant being the least strong, the least tall, the least cared of. Loki is different. Where Thor is golden and loud, Loki is dark hair and quiet. Where Thor is brute force and impulsiveness, Loki is preciseness and prudence. He doesn't like to rush in a fight, he rather analyses his opponent’s weaknesses and use them to win.

People call it cowardice. He doesn't care.

(It’s a lie. He cried for hours after the Warriors Three told him that (until his mother found him and braided his hair to calm him down)).

He wishes he was like Thor ; to be the great son rather than the consolation prize, to be seen and loved and respected, rather than hide and wonder.

But he’s not Thor. Never will be. His mother tells him it’s a good thing, that she doesn't want him to be like Thor, that she wouldn't want to trade a thing about him. That he has his own gifts too. (And now, now, looking to his reflect of a monster with blue skin and red eyes, he can’t help but think “are those my gifts, mother ? Are those the gifts I should be proud of ?”)

He never spends a moment without imagining himself as a worthy son. Because truth be told, he isn’t.

 

****

_I was a king._

He’s hurting, his insides are burning from the pain and the anger and everything, and somehow the tears find their way back onto his cheeks, where they always belonged. He’s alone and alone and alone, always has been, from the moment Odin found him in Jotunheim, from the moment he let go and fell through the darkness, until now. Will I ever stop being alone ?

They brought him in his cell, hands tight together, metal digging in the flesh of his wrists, forced to silence as the gag bites his lips. There isn’t any sound, any word said ; he knows he is waiting for his sentence.

It’s too quiet in here. He wants it to stop. He wants loud noises to drown the sound of his own voice inside of his head. He wants Thor to hit him with his hammer, again and again and again, and never stop, until there isn’t anything left from his skull and brain and his insides spill out every awful and painful thought on the ground.

He could ask him. Thor would certainly be happy to oblige, but first he’d have to come down to visit Loki.

(Loki pretends it doesn’t hurt, the fact that both Odin and Thor didn’t stop by his cell once (the last time he saw Thor was when he brought him back to Asgard and handed him to the guards as if he were some kind of worthless trophy, as if he were nothing (the last time he saw Odin was on the Bifrost, hanging above the Void, before _no, Loki,_ and then he remembers letting go and falling, falling, _falling_ , always falling))).

 

****

“Have I made you proud ?”

Frigga gives him a pained look, sadness and regrets hovering in her blues eyes, and Loki wants to laugh until he runs out of air (and maybe (hopefully) dies) because _you, it was you, you did this to me. You all did this to me_. All of them. Odin, his lies, Frigga, Thor, the Void, Tha…

“Your birthright was to die as a child !” Odin screams, merciless and cold, as cold as the chains around Loki’s wrists and ankles. He screams those eight words as if Loki didn’t know them, as if there weren’t eternally carved into his mind, reminding him every single day of what he is.

Somewhere, in a distant memory, Loki remembers a warmth figure holding his hand and smiling at him. He remembers a child with golden curls and honest blue eyes chasing him through the corridors, he remembers a woman with a fond smile caress his neck…

(And, more clearly, he remembers the feeling of emptiness pulling him down, he remembers the words _no, Loki_ , he remembers the weight of a hammer crushing his chest, keeping him down, blue eyes full with anger and deception and his own mind a mess of _I hate you_ and _I didn’t mean this I didn’t mean to I’m sorry_ )

But he laughs and pretends that none of Odin’s words hurts him, pretends that none of the breaths he takes from the air of Asgard is painful. “If I am for the axe, then for mercy's sake, just swing it.” His stomach is curling inside of his body like a trapped, hurt animal, trying to make itself smaller to protect itself. Loki wants to do the same, he wants this to be over and to rest (he knows he won’t ever be able to rest (death is the only rest he will get)). “It’s not that I don’t love our little talks, it’s just… I don’t love them.” _Not since you took everything from me, not since you lied to me for so long, making me believe an illusion that I belonged here, that I had a family and a mother and a father and a brother, that I was loved, and took it all away, leaving me with nothing, nothing but the fragile ghost of happiness and a hole in my chest aching, aching, aching…_

They take him back to his cell, eventually. The rest of the conversation is blurred in his mind. He just remembers Odin telling him “Frigga is the only reason you're still alive, and you will never see her again. You will spend the rest of your days in the dungeons.”, and the rest was drowned with the feeling of pain and anger and thoughts screaming in his head how dares she, _how dares she deciding that I have to live_ (and, deeper, locked inside of him, the tears that he has chased only remembers the “only reason you’re still alive”, and they know what it means (that Odin wants him dead (that Thor wants him dead))).

He sits down in the corner of the cell, curled up, and a simple illusion hides him from the cruel eyes of the guards and the other prisoners. But, only them, he does not cry. He just brings his knees to his chest and hides his face on them, pressing his closed and burning eyes against them.

He cannot rest. He cannot sleep. Not when he’s surrounded by killers and monsters (just like him), not when he knows Odin and Thor want him dead, not when the Other’s words are ringing in his head, the promise that he will never be safe, that they will find him, that he will find him and take him back in that room and…

He digs his nails in his legs until they are numb from the pain, but even then the thoughts won’t leave him alone.

 

****

“Amma !” Thor exclaims with joy and pride, his legs barely managing to follow his energy. “Did you see what I did ? Did you see ?”

Loki, from his five years old, looks up at his mother with big eyes. She’s smiling softly at her elder son, eyes fond and loving. He looks back at Thor, who is standing a few feet away from them, his golden curls getting longer and longer, now reaching his shoulders. His blue eyes are sincere, questioning, starved for affection and attention.  
  
“I did, little one”, Frigga answers. “You are going to be some great warrior one day.”

Thor looks even prouder now, raising his shoulders in an attempt to look taller, his face brightening with happiness. Then, his gaze falls on Loki and he smiles and rushes to sit in front of him. “Did you see, Loki ? Do you think I’m going to be a great warrior one day ?”, he asks him.

Loki looks at him. He doesn’t understand a lot of things, he’s only five, but he nods (because he knows Thor will be a great warrior some day) in silence. He doesn’t really like talking. He likes better to watch people, to observe them, to study their reactions and expect them.

Thor reaches out and ruffles his brother’s air. Loki tries to slap his hand away. “I’ll be the greatest warrior Asgard has ever seen. And if someone tries to hurt you, I will kill him.” He tells him. Loki nods again, extending his hands towards Thor so he can carry him. Thor laughs (Loki likes Thor’s laugh (it sounds like stars and suns and rainbows all together)) and picks him up, squeezing him against his chest, while Loki tucks his chin on Thor’s shoulder and looks around him. Everything seems bigger from Thor’s arms (everything feels safe).

“Do you hear me, brother ? I will protect you and no one will hurt you.”

He tightens his grip around Loki one more time before putting him back on the ground next to Frigga and running away from them to rush towards Sif and Volstagg to continue their games. Loki looks at him, then turns towards his mother, looking at her.

“Amma ?”, he asks her, worry creeping in his chest as the warmth seems to do in his skin - he always feels too hot, even when he isn’t supposed to (the others kids never complain about it).

She turns towards him, her blonde hair resting in a complicated way on top of her head, her blue eyes (the same as Thor, the same as him (that’s what he likes to think. His own eyes are more of a icy blue than the deep blue of the ocean)) incredibly soft and loving and Loki feels suddenly warm, but not in a bad way. “Yes, Loki ?”

“Will I be a great warrior too one day ? Like Thor ?”, he asks her, curious and hoping that yes, yes, he will.

She smiles at him, of this secrete smile she shares with no one (not Thor, not Odin), no one but him, and touches his cheek. “Oh, my little, precious boy. Of course you will.”

 

****

 

The cell is not large , with three of the four walls that are golden windows ; they wouldn't want the prisoners to be able to hide and plot something. But everything in the cell is white, to the ground and the ceiling. It is too blinding ; it’s making it harder for him to rest (but, truly, even if the walls were black, he wouldn’t be able to sleep (he had never been to sleep, not without help, someone convincing him he was safe (but no one was going to help him now (he wasn’t safe))).

He sits in a corner of his cell, eyes staring at the other wall in front of him. He should maybe feel lucky ; his cell is the only one that has a bed and a table and a few chairs, and he doesn’t have to share it with anyone (the perk of being a prince, he guesses, even if disgraced (or maybe because both he and Odin knows that the other prisoners would kill him if they were in the same cell (obviously death was too much of a favour for Loki the traitor))). He lets his gaze get lost in all the white colour, white, so white, so pure and clean, and he feels like he’s a intruder, a strain, a disease.

Someone calls his name, and he snaps out of his trance. Frigga is standing in the middle of the cell, features filled with worry, blue eyes just so… blue. (Like his skin truly is (he hates the blue more than anything)). He tries to regain some posture, afraid to have shown weakness while he was deep in his thoughts.

“Loki”, she repeats, voice as sad as her face is. Loki turns towards her, keeping his expression neutral, and smirks a little.

“Well, hello, Mother.” He looks at her, and sees past the illusion. This is just a projection. “I am truly honoured that you disobeyed Odin’s orders to come here. Oh. Wait. What a fool I am. You’re not actually here, am I wrong ?”

Frigga’s face falls even more, and Loki feels a knot starting to form in his stomach. He ignores it.

“This was the only way I could see you without him knowing, Loki.” She says quietly. Loki is suddenly taken by the brusque want to laugh. It feels weird and wrong and painful, but his mind has always been this messed up, broken thing.

There’s a silence, thick and heavy and choking. Loki doesn’t like it. It reminds him too much of the Void, of floating endlessly in the dark, in the silence, in nothing but this feeling of being eaten away and forgotten and…

“And what do I earn this visit ?” He asks, more desperate to distract himself from those memories than curious. He doesn’t care, she has abandoned him, he doesn't want to see her, he wants to kill her, he doesn't care, he doesn't care (yes he does).

“Loki…” She murmurs, kneeling down to be at the same height as him, but, even then, Loki refuses to look her in the eyes. “Loki, my son, please.”

Something dark and vicious tears at Loki’s chest. _Do not call me that_ , he wants to scream, _I am no son of yours, I have never been, and you knew, you always knew, and yet you said nothing._ “What do you want ?” He finally asks, tiredness creeping in his bones. “I am in no mood to hear nonsense.”

“I don’t understand.” She answers, voice full of hurt and despair. “I don’t understand. I know you, Loki, you… This wasn’t you. Something must have happened after you fell, and…”

“After I fell ?” He repeats, incredulous. “Is this what Odin told you ? That I fell ? That my hand slipped ?”. Loki lets out a bark of laughter. “But that’d be so like Odin, right ? Cover the truth and hide the truth because he is too ashamed of…”

“Do not tell me Odin pushed you off the Bifrost, Loki.” Frigga cuts him, suddenly harsh. “He wouldn't do that, and Thor was with him, and he said no such things.”

Loki laughs again. “I never pretended this.” He says, grinning at her. She is looking at him, clearly not understanding, but, again, when has anyone understood him ? (There was a time, long, long ago, when it felt like she was the only one to know him, to understand his mind (but it had been a lie, just like everything else)).

“Then what happened on the Bifrost, Loki ? What is it that you’re saying Odin lied about ?” Frigga asks, sounding almost desperate.

And Loki can’t help but snort over the unconditional pain clutching at his heart. “I didn’t fall, Mother. I let go.”

And her expression is so shocked and painful that he laughs again, loud and dangerous and broken (maybe he’s sobbing (he doesn’t know anything anymore)), head thrown back and eyes closed. When he opens them, he is alone in his cell, just like he was before.

 

****

_What am I ?_

Loki is a prince of Asgard. He is the youngest son, the shadow whose fate is to always be hidden by Thor’s large figure. He is the trickster, the God of Mischief.

 _Tell me !_ He screams at Odin, to the man he thought was his father, as his insides twist and tear uglily, painfully. There’s a knot in his throat, and he wants to fall on his knees and beg Odin to tell him this is all a lie, to tell this isn’t real. tellmetellmetellmetellmetellmetell-

_So I’m no more than another stolen relic, locked up, here, until you might’ve used me ?_

He’s Loki, the consolation prize, the son they never were supposed to have, the weapon, the broken trophy of a bloody and awful war. He’s the child no one wanted. He’s the baby abandoned to die (and, oh, how it makes sense, those dreams that made him crawl in Thor’s bed when he was a child, dreams where he felt cold, so cold…)

_Because I’m the monster parents tell their children about at night ?_

He’s not Odinson. He’s not Frigga’s boy, nor is he Thor’s little brother. He’s not even Asgardian. He’s a Jotün, a frost giant ; and it explains everything now, why he always got sick when it was too warm, why he always felt different. 

It wasn’t just a feeling. He _was_ different.

He is Loki. The monster.

And as he screams his pain at Odin, as the tears roll down his cheeks, at the same time cold and burning against his skin, the man he always looked up to, the man he always thought was strong and fair, this man falters and falls when Loki needs him the most.

 

****

He lies awake on the bed of his cell, eyes fixed upon the ceiling, never sleeping. He is never able to tell if it is day or night, and this is why the cells were built this way. The prisoners lose their freedom, their privacy, the sense of time, and, slowly, their sanity.

Loki entered the dungeons half-mad, but he is never going to leave it again. They are all - Thor, Odin, Frigga - going to let him rot in here, until his mind and everything about him fade away and get forgotten. But, let’s be honest : they already have forgotten about him.

Thanos hasn’t. Loki is at least sure of that, but it is no comfort. He has no idea when the Titan will come to tear him from the « safety » of his cell, and what will be left of Loki when he will. Surely the walls and spells of protection of Asgard will stop him, but only for a short time ; Loki has no doubt Thanos will be ready to destroy the all realm just to start the tortures and torments upon Loki again. 

And he has no doubt, too, that Odin will hand him over to the Titan rather than see his people die. Between the fate of Asgard and of one traitor (he was their son (once), the choice is pretty simple.

He doesn’t care.

After all, he would do the same.

 

****

« Brother. »

The word is said quietly in the semi dark of the dungeons. Loki isn’t on his bed, this time ; he remains sitting in the corner of the cell, knees drawn up to his chest. He looks up, and stares at Thor through the golden window. Thor is the same as always : tall, strong, with long gold hair and blue eyes. Perhaps wiser, maybe. Older.

Loki doesn’t say a word. He could, though ; more words of cruelty, maybe, or just questions about why, _why_ Thor had decided, after all this time, to come and visit him in his punishment. But he doesn’t. He stays silent, still, watching him.

« I’m sorry, brother. » Thor murmurs, barely audible. And Loki wants to surge forward and scream and weep. He wants to ask him why he is sorry, wants to say that he will never be forgiven, that it’s not his fault. Perhaps it is because there are too many things his mind struggles to say that he doesn’t open his mouth.

It was his own imagination, in the end. He’s losing what is left of his mind far quicker that what he expected. Hallucinations are a new thing. The only time he saw Thor, and he wasn’t really here, was the time where he was tied up in a room, at the mercy of a purple Titan.

(Thor wouldn’t call him brother, not anymore, for Loki is son of no one, and brother of no one.)

 

****

Sparring has always been Thor’s favorite moment of the day. It is not, however, Loki’s. He doesn’t understand how training and fighting for hours, sweating and getting bruises can be appealing, as much as Thor doesn’t understand how sitting in silence and reading a book and learning everything that is to learn can be too.

Loki is not surprised when he is not able to hit the weapon master once, or even Thor. Thor, who is older, stronger and much more experimented about this. He is not surprised, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t go back to his rooms weeping and aching, his body a canvas of blue and purple bruises, the mean words of mockery of the other boys training with him ringing in his head. Fridge finds him curled up around himself in the bathroom, and consoles him, before healing his wounds and cheering him up with the promise that she’ll teach him one day.

« Do you want to tell me what happened, little one ? » She asks, her tone gentle and sweet, her blue eyes filled with both love and concern.

She must already have an idea, because she knows today was his first day of training. Loki fidgets with his hands, not looking up at her, and pouts slightly, ashamed to answer. Her long and graceful fingers find their way to his black curls, that have become too long but that he refuses to cut, and begin to comb through his hair. He relaxes a bit, drawing his knees up to his chest.

« I don’t like sparring. » He says, very quietly. « It’s stupid and it hurts. I couldn’t land a single hit, and the other boys, who are much better than me, kept laughing at me. »

She hums sadly, massaging his scalp as he mets against her. « Oh, my sweet boy. This was only your first day. You cannot expect yourself to be the best already. »

« Thor was already the best during his first day. » Loki answered, voice miserable. He looked down at his feet. 

« You are not your brother, Loki. » She answers.

He shakes his head. « But I am a prince. How am I supposed to defend my realm if I don’t know how to fight ? »

She smiles at him. « There are other ways to defend your realm, little one. »

« A man who cannot fight isn’t much help to his realm, Amma. » Loki replies, as naively as a six year-old can do. « That’s what the weapon master and Father always say. »

« Then there are other ways to fight. If you don’t find your strength in fighting with swords or axes like Thor does, then you will find it elsewhere. »

He frowns at her, and seems to think deeply about her words for a few minutes. Then, he looks up at her, his bright blue eyes curious and shining. « Do you find your strength in your magic, Amma ? »

She leans in to kiss his forehead. « I do, little one. »

His eyes shine even more, and his previous sadness fades away. « Could you teach me, Amma ? »

« The control of seidr is difficult and requires patient, meticulous work, my son. » She warns him. She doesn’t know how he will react if he doesn’t succeed in mastering this. « But if you think you can do it, then I will teach you. »

Loki’s smile is the most bright she has ever seen.

 

****

_No, Loki._

He floats away in the darkness, as invisible fingers claws at his face, his chest, his mind. It is both burning and freezing, and the pain is too much to bear. It is a strange feeling. He cannot move, and it is like he is not inside of his own body ; but the pain is here, real, vivid.

It is nothing but black. No colors, no solid ground. Just him, alone, utterly alone in the immensity of the space between the Realms. Just him, destined to drift until his death in the cruel, cruel void.

The Void isn’t just a place, it’s like a person. It tries to get Loki to submit, and Loki would gladly like to do it, to just give up and fade away, but he doesn’t know how. Every breath he takes is a torture (he’s not even sure he is breathing). Are his eyes closed ? Open ? (In either cases it doesn’t really makes a difference.)

His body burns and twists and breaks. His mind is an endless mess of screams and tears and sobbing begs. _please make it stop please someone please help me Thor please Amma pl-_

He is going to die here. No one is going to find him, because no one is going to come looking for him.

His mouth is open, he thinks. Maybe he is gasping, or maybe he is screaming, but he doesn’t hear his voice. Perhaps you can’t make any sound in the void. Or perhaps he has been screaming for too long and he doesn’t have any voice anymore.

Can you cry in the Void ? He wonders if there are tears on his cheeks. Maybe there are, but maybe they’re only the one that spilled on the Bifrost, when he was fighting Thor.

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. _He doesn’t know anything anymore._

The Void breaks him and uses him until there isn’t anything left to destroy, and then it spits him out in the middle of nowhere. 

He doesn’t know.

That is, until someone grabs him, a broken doll condemned to wander between the stars, and finds another way the Void had not seen to destroy him.

 

****

Frigga comes back two days after her first visit, looking even sadder. With her appears more books on his table. He is still huddled against the side of the room, clawing at his own nails, staring blankly at the ground, memories of invisible claws and darkness on his his body, tearing him slowly apart.

« Loki. » She calls him, quietly, and she sits down on the ground, in front of him, rearranging her dress as she tries to make him look at her. « Loki, you look… You have to sleep, my son. »

Tears roll down his cheeks. He stays silent. Her expression is heartbreaking. « Loki. » She repeats, and reaches out a hand, but she doesn’t touch him. She waits for him to grab onto it, to ask her for help.

(The tears are burning on his cold skin. Or maybe are they cold against his burning skin.)

He doesn’t make a move. He wants to be this little child again, who would run happily after a brother he no longer has the right to have, who would call her Amma and find protection and comfort at her side.

He wants to be this little child again, who would call this place _home_.

He is terrified. _Please protect me please don’t let it take me it wants me back it wants me back_

He doesn’t know if he’s thinking about Thanos or the Void. Maybe both.

He doesn’t know anymore. He used to know a lot of things, and now he has been stripped of everything : his powers, his strength, his knowledge, his home, his _family_. Family that was never his to begin in the first place. 

"Loki, I beg you, please." Frigga pleads, tears welling up in her eyes. "Please, talk to me."

And he wants to, but it feels like he's back in the Void, unable to make a single sound (or back in Thanos' torture room where he would scream and scream (until his throat got raw (until he had no voice at all))).

 

****

The room is dark when Loki softly opens it and steps inside. Thor is laying in his bed, curling on his side, sleeping soundly (which is quite surprising, by the way). He is twelve now, so he has stopped sharing a room with Loki, who is seven, and was given his own, leaving Loki alone with a empty bed next to his. Loki walks towards him, and stands by the bed, hesitating. He takes a deep breath, before reaching out and shaking his brother lightly. Thor shifts slightly, but doesn't wake up.

It takes a few more shaking for Thor's eyes to finally open. He blinks, sleepily, gaze searching in the dark before landing on Loki. He frowns. "Loki ? What is it ? Why are you here ?". 

Loki looks down, a little ashamed, fidgeting with his hands. "I had a nightmare." He admits in a small voice. He expects Thor to mock him and throw him out of his room. 

Instead, Thor stretches his arms above his head with a grunt, before making room in the bed, patting the free place on the mattress besides him. "Come rest with me then, little brother." Loki smiles widely and tries to climb up the bed, but it is too far above, so Thor chuckles a little before leaning in and hauling him up on the bed. He lays next to Thor, and Thor hums slighly, his hand gently stroking Loki's hair like their mother does.

"What was this nightmare of yours about ?" Thor asks in a murmur, sleepy. Loki cuddles closer to him, resting his head on Thor's shoulder. 

"I don't really remember." He answers, quietly, as if putting words to it would make it real. "It was just so... Dark. And I was all alone."

Thor hummed again, squeezing him closer. "Do not worry, brother. I promise I will never let you be alone." 

 

****

He thinks that if he wasn't mad before, then his cell has made him be. 

 

****

The Void was cruel. It didn't care about who Loki is, was, didn't care about what he had been through. It took and took from him until there was almost nothing else. And then, and only then, when it had not found any more ways to torture him, it had spit him out.

Thanos was another thing. Thanos, who laid one eye on him and saw right through him, a smile painting his lips, a promise of no good. "Well, look what we have here. A prince of Asgard."

 _I am not of Asgard_ , Loki wanted to bite back. _I am not a prince, I am not of anywhere._ But floating endlessly for days (weeks ? (years ?)) in the dark had made forced him upon silence, and even if he could talk, he wouldn't have the strength to do so. Him, who used to be so powerful, now reduced to some kind of empty shell, too tired to talk, to stand, to fight. Him, whose world had been all warmth and pranks and some sort of love, to turn into a hell filled with pain, agony, despair and tears. 

"What have brought you here, Asgardian ?" Thanos then asks, and when Loki doesn't respond, he gets up, and walks to him, standing above him. He stares at him for a moment, probably waiting for Loki to talk, but Loki has long lost control of his own body, and his mouth has long stopped feeling like his own anymore. 

But Thanos doesn't become angry by his lack of words. No, instead, he stays perfectly calm, and smiles again. "You will talk again, don't worry."

It is only later that Loki learns how painful this promise was, as he discovers a new kind of pain (worse, deeper,  _excruciating._ ) His mind becomes blank, all memories of brothers and jealously vanishing. There is no place for something other than pain.

And, as Thanos promised, Loki's voice comes back to him. Everything around him drowning under his screams.

 

****

 _The Queen is dead_ , the guard only tells him, without giving him any further explanation. Loki nods, and the guard leaves. 

 _The Queen is dead_ , Loki's mind repeats, and Loki closes his book and stands up, turning his back to the front window. There is no point in hiding ; he is the only prisoner left in the dungeons, the only one who didn't (couldn't) escape. 

 _Your mother is dead_ , a voice in Loki's mind says (disturbingly similiar to Thanos'). _You're all alone now._

And Loki searches desperately for a memory of her in his head, one to grasp onto before it fades away into nothing (he doesn't really know what memory he is searching (perhaps the one where she hugs him in her arms when he was three and created butterflies to amaze him, or her proud smile when he managed to first control his seidr.

Instead, he remembers their last encounter, where he had been nothing but sour rage and bitterness.  _He's not my father !_

She had chuckled wetly, her blue, so blue, eyes filled with new tears. _And am I not your mother_ _?_ She had asked, a sad smile painting her lips.

Loki's fingers curl into a fist, nails digging hard into the flesh of his palms. 

_You're not._

The first wave of seidr sends all furniture shattered on the ground. Soon, he's reduced to a mess of screams and sobs and furor. He tears at the skin of his arms, scratches at his own face, throwing things through the cell. Because, despite everything he said, everything he tried to convince everyone and himself, he's melted into a little child crying for his mother's death.

 

****

When Thanos and his children grow bored torturing his body, they move to his mind. The Void has already eaten much of it anyway, but still they found a way to use against him. They grip at his memories and take them away, twist them until he doesn't know what is real anymore. 

They seem to favour grandly his memories with Thor. Promises of _I will never let you alone, I will always protect you, little brother_ -

Loki gasps, every limb, every cell of his body burning with pain, tears running down his cheeks. He struggles for oxygen, as his lungs burn, and burn, and  _burn._

Thanos grins and leans down towards him, gripping at his head with his left hand, forcing him to look up at him. "Where is your brother now ?"

 

****

Thor and Loki fight on the Bifrost, Thor burning to protect his home, his family, a people he used to hate, when Loki is all tears and despair, but Thor doesn't notice. 

_Now you see me, brother._

Thor and Loki fight again, one year later, Thor throwing him onto the ground, asking him where the Tesseract is. Not seeing how much Loki has lost, not seeing how much Loki has _suffered_.

_Who put me there ?_

Thor and Loki fight once more, but this time they're side by side. Thor surges to stop Malekith from escaping as Loki stabs the elves sent to kill them, swirling around and striking, melting into the sound of blades against blades, against skin. When he is done, when all is left around him are dead bodies, he looks up, and sees Thor on the ground, the Kursed above him, hitting and hitting. 

He stabs the monster in the heart, and the beast turns towards him, grunting. It happens too fast, but before he knows there is a knife plunging in his chest, emptying the air out of his lungs, and for an awful moment, he seems to be back between Thanos' hands, world blurred in pain and blood and- 

He doesn't notice falling onto the ground, and he gasps, his wound aching and throbbing. He has enough strength to sit up, fingers clutching around the knife, and he looks up at the Kursed with a growing satisfaction. "See you in hell, _monster_."

The Kursed implodes and disappears in orange lights, screaming in agony, and Loki lets himself fall back, gasping and hurting and terrified, his mind a restless circle of  _it hurts it hurts_ _I'm all alone I'm dying I don't want to I'm alone alonealonealonealonealone_

Someone gathers him into his arms, and Loki, through his pain, recognizes Thor, blue eyes (so blue (like their mother)) filled with fear and sadness. There is a million, a billion things he wants to say to him,  _I'm sorry I didn't mean any of this I'm afraid I'm afraid don't leave me,_ but he finds himself unable to say anything. 

"You fool, you didn't listen." Thor scolds him, voice crackling, and Loki almost wants to laugh. 

Instead, he looks back into those blue eyes, and the regrets swallows him. "I know", he says, struggling to talk. "I'm a fool." He feels tears burning his eyes. "I'm a fool-" He tries to hide his face, shame and remorse eating him, but Thor puts a hand on his face, firm yet gentle, and forces him to look at him. 

"Stay with me, alright ?"  _No, you stay with me, I beg you, do not leave me, I need you, I don't want to be alone._

"I'm sorry." Loki says, trying to make Thor understand, _desperate_ to make him understand. "I'm sorry", he repeats. "I'm sorry."  _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry._

"I'll tell Father what you did here today." Thor answers, and Loki struggles to breathe, struggles to see through his tears. He stares at Thor, and he wonders back to the time they were child and Loki would crawl in Thor's bed and they would stay up all night, talking and finding comfort in the presence of the other. Loki wants to be this child again, and if he closes his eyes, he can almost pretend he is, and that Thor is hugging him to comfort him of a nightmare, not because he is _dying_.

In spite of how hard he tried to hate Thor, to convince his brother and himself that he did, even then, he never truly could. 

"I didn't do it for him." 

 

****

Thor chasing him through the corridors of the palace, his blond hair too long and his eyes too blue. Laughters filling Loki's ears, and arms around him to protect him against the darkness of the nights. 

Frigga's hands, combing through his hair, smiles as bright as the sun. Holding him against her even when he's grown too big to do so, filling him with love.

_Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds it’s way back to you._

It all fades to nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

****

Loki wakes up, struggling to breathe. 

Alone.

**Author's Note:**

> so I really hope you liked this story :) just wanna say Loki is really my favorite villain and character of the MCU (alongside with some others ;)  
> Exploring his relationship with his mother and father and brother is kinda a difficult thing, because it is a mix of love and anger and hatred because of all the lies about his true lineage and Loki's jealously.  
> I will post other stories about it :) feedback is appreciated !


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